Tracy | Life Inspired: Healing is a Journey

I am just in awe of the amazing people who have taken part in this Life Inspired project so far.  Each and every person has been so incredibly inspiring, and Tracy is no exception.  She is such a testament to courage and perseverance.  I’m so honored to have met her and photographed her and happy to share her story and portraits with you now.  

Life Inspired is a portrait project that showcases the stories of women and men who have moved beyond fear and self-doubt to live a life full of love and hope. 

As always, if you know someone (yourself included) who’d be a perfect addition to this project, please contact me today! 

When did you realize that your life was being held back by fear or self-doubt, and what kept you from moving forward?

I’m a survivor of domestic violence. In the summer of 2014, my then-boyfriend got mad and drunk and physically assaulted me. He slammed me repeatedly in a door, jerked me around, and threw me onto a concrete floor multiple times. I ended up covered in huge, dark bruises, and my elbow was broken in two places.

The police ended up arresting him, and the state filed charges. I was a “victim witness,” and would need to eventually testify against him in a criminal trial. I never wanted to see him again, so as much as I dreaded that, I was looking forward to the trial being over so that I could get closure and move on.

Every few months, the case would be on the docket, and I would be subpoenaed to appear in court. The way the system works is that I would know weeks in advance when the trial *might* be held, but would only get one day’s notice about whether the trial was actually moving forward or being reset to a later date. I had to mentally and emotionally prepare to testify several times, only for the case to keep getting reset. It was excruciating.

This went on for three years (!) before the case finally went to trial. Over that time, I got married, became pregnant, and had a baby. So many amazing things were happening in my life, but the indefinitely impending trial loomed above me like a dark cloud. I felt anchored to a past that I desperately wanted to move on from.

What triggered you to no longer live a life of fear or self-doubt?
It wasn’t just one thing, it was a gradual process. In the months and years following the incident, I started to think more and more about the subtly controlling and manipulative things my abuser had said and done over the course of our relationship. I noticed patterns between how he treated me and how I had been treated at various times throughout my life by others close to me. I realized that even though the abuse was absolutely not my fault, I didn’t know much about healthy relationships because I hadn’t been around very many of them. I was seeking the “love” that I thought I deserved because I didn’t value myself. In fact, I had never learned how to value myself.

Eventually I decided that my future wasn’t going to look like my past. It was empowering to finally believe that I wasn’t defined by what had happened to me, and that I could write my own story.

What did you have to let go of in order to take the leap to move forward?
For the longest time, I just wanted the trial behind me. I assumed that my abuser would be found guilty, and I’d get my closure and move on with my life.

But he wasn’t found guilty. In fact, nothing about the trial went the way I expected it to. Two of the 6 jurors kept falling asleep. I felt self-conscious and vulnerable - I was still losing my pregnancy weight and was dealing with postpartum hair loss, and there I was on display, in front of my abuser, his family, and his new wife. The defense attorney humiliated me, attacked my character, and tried to paint me as “having mental issues” and being this raging angry person. He twisted the truth and made my abuser out to be this gentle man who just wanted to love his girlfriend.  I wasn’t on trial, but I felt like I was. Except that I couldn’t defend myself.

After the verdict was read I felt so upset, so defeated, so crushed. But I had to accept that nothing that had happened was a reflection of me. My abuser was not found guilty, but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t do what he did. My pain was no less real and my feelings were no less valid. He wasn’t found guilty, but that doesn’t mean he won.

What did you find on the other side of fear that made it worth it?
There’s a quote that I like from Dinos Christianopoulos: “what didn’t you do to bury me - but you forgot I was a seed.” That really resonates with me. I felt like I had been buried by this part of my past for years, and then slowly, unexpectedly, I started to grow. I think I had forgotten I was a seed too.

It’s been over 4 years, but I feel like I’m finally blossoming into this amazing, confident, badass version of myself. I’ve found a strength, a faith, and a love that I never would have experienced if I hadn’t gone through what I did. I’m starting to find my voice, and I’m finally ready to share my story and use my experience to help others.

What would you tell someone (or your former self) who still feels held back by fear or self-doubt?

People are always talking about finding the silver lining in challenging situations, and making lemonade out of lemons. That happens eventually, but the process takes time and you can’t force it along. Healing is a journey, and everyone’s journey looks different. Don’t compare yours to anyone else’s, and don’t let others tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. When you go through something painful, it’s ok if the only thing you can do for a while is hurt like hell.

 A traumatic event changes you forever, and keeps changing you in ways you never expected. At first, it’s impossible to see the good in it. But it will come. It might take years, but trust me - it will come. Be patient, be kind to yourself, and never forget that you’re a seed.

Is there anything else you would like to share?

One in three women will be the victim of some kind of physical abuse in her lifetime, but despite its prevalence, people still don’t want to talk about this issue. There’s this huge stigma around it. I’ve experienced this firsthand: I wear a purple bracelet every October, and when people ask about it, I explain that it’s for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Even that very general explanation makes people visibly uncomfortable. I don’t know what this means, exactly.

But I do know that if we want things to change, we have to talk about it. And when women do muster the immense courage to talk about their experiences with domestic violence, we need to listen.

 And we need to believe them.

 #survivorspeaks #breakthesilence #dvam

If you are in danger and need immediate assistance, please call 911.

Comal County Crisis Center:
For immediate help with crisis services, information or referrals, please call the 24-hour crisis line at 1.800.434.8013 or 830.620.4357. For hearing impaired please text 830.499.1221
Services are free and confidential.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit domesticshelters.org