Sandra | Life Inspired: Trading Perfectionism for Balance and Happiness

The woman you are about to meet is nothing short of amazing.  She is determined, driven, beautiful and talented.  She’s passionate about her beliefs, her work and her children.  While she resides and works in Austin, she was gracious enough to sit down with me at my New Braunfels portrait studio for this project. 

Life Inspired is my portrait project that highlights the stories of people who have moved past living a life held back by fear and self-doubt to living a life full of love and hope.  You can learn more about it here…

As always, if you would like to nominate someone you think would be perfect for this project, yourself included, please contact me today!

Without further ado, Sandra…

When did you realize that your life was being held back by fear or self-doubt and what kept you from moving forward?

I was raised by an old-school Grandma who considered it her life priority to instill confidence and faith in me.  She did well.  I have never been a fearful or insecure person.  In fact, I’m sure some wished I was a little more fearful.  I tend to go after bullies and am not shy about speaking my mind.  However, the very fact that my Grandmother raised me tells you that something went wrong in my childhood.  My Mother was an addict early on and my Father left.  My Grandmother was determined to “help my Mother” and this became a codependent relationship.  My childhood was filled with chaotic and sad scenes that a child should never see or experience.  This resulted in a kid who was a complete perfectionist, which is a fear-driven behavior.  Now I know that I really only had two choices coming out of all that trauma – perfectionism or repeating the cycle myself.  

 What triggered you to no longer live a life of fear and self-doubt?

I’d heard people say that I was a perfectionist a time or two in my life.  A woman even approached me once at a party right as I walked in the door. She said, “I hope this doesn’t offend you, but I can see that you’re a perfectionist.  Please don’t pass that on to your daughter.”  It was as if she was speaking Latin.  I didn’t understand how people could spot me as a perfectionist within moments of meeting me.  I didn’t see the harm in doing things “the right way.” People would come into my home and say things like “I feel like I’m in a hotel.”  I’m not sure that’s a compliment, but I took it that way, because I couldn’t see anything wrong with my obsession for perfection.  Just like my Mother couldn’t see anything wrong with her addiction.

Ironically, it took working at a software startup to make me see the light.  We were in development and had an agile production philosophy, which meant that we released new product every seven weeks no matter what.  This was mind-blowing to me.  We had a development board six miles long with known errors and issues and improvements, but we still released a new version every seven weeks.  We prioritized tickets and put those in the next release and on and on we went, consistently improving, but never quite attaining perfection.  And it was ok. 

This was the first time I took a serious look at my need to have such order in my life.  I realized that it wasn’t healthy or normal because it absolutely paralyzed me at times.  It kept me from living a truly fulfilled life.  Becoming a Mother will also quickly humble even the most perfect of perfectionists.  I adopted the agile development philosophy to every facet of my life. 

What did you have to let go of in order to take the leap to move forward?

Control.  Having a perfectly clean home or intricately styled hair or a detailed car gave me such pleasure because it allowed me to have control over my surroundings.  Control that I didn’t have as a kid but desperately sought when things spiraled into pure madness.  I learned to take charge and be the adult early on and had no idea how to give that up.  I didn’t trust others to do the job right.  I never gave them the opportunity and I certainly didn’t know how to delegate.  I ran myself ragged trying to do it all. 

 What did you find on the other side of fear that made it worth it?

Freedom.  Freedom to live.  Freedom to rest.  Freedom to trust others and delegate work.  I have more time for important things in my life like my children and my passions.  I am living a much more balanced life.  Looking back, it might seem like I’ve accomplished a lot, but the truth is that I also missed out on a lot of life.  A lot of concerts and travel and sunshine in the park. 

Two years ago, the kids and I downsized from a 3,800 square foot five-bedroom house on the greenbelt with a babbling brook behind it to a small apartment one mile from their school.  We sold a ton, donated a ton, and to my surprise, the kids had no problem getting rid of things.  We committed to doing more activities together, traveling, and living like there was no tomorrow.  All the kids wanted was more of my time and I had been too busy cleaning and decorating to see it.  This recovering perfectionist still has a Roomba that runs at 1:00PM every day and my kid’s parties are RIDICULOUS.  I still give my all to my clients most days of the week, but I don’t lose sleep over dishes in the sink or clothes that need washing when the kids need cuddling.  We take spontaneous camping trips and we have a miniature lop bunny who is free range in our apartment. 

Today, I’m a Principal of a PR & Integrated Marketing company.  This would have never been possible had I not let go of the paralyzing fear of perfection.  We would never get press or marketing plans or content out if I was hoping to achieve perfection.  We do our best every day and that is enough.  As long as our clients are happy and we’re building their business, I’m happy.

What would you tell someone or your former self who still feels held back by fear or self doubt?

I think women tend to fall into some version of this trap easily.  One of my favorite verses that I have to tell myself almost daily is Matthew 11:28.  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  I think the problem with perfectionists is that they are so hyper-focused on external things that they don’t even know they are weary.  They don’t see that they have designed their lives in such a way that a tremendous burden is on them.  And it’s heavy.  It’s not fair to them or frankly, to anyone around them. 

We all cope with things in different ways.  Any version of fear is crippling and limiting, so I think the first step is recognizing your behavior and tracing it back to its origins.  Once you have done that, you’ll be able to understand its impact on your life decisions and course correct.  I have “Rest In Me” reminders all over my house. 

Is there anything else you would like to share?

 Too much of anything is unhealthy.  You deserve balance and rest.  We’re all a work in progress – an unfinished stone being slowly polished with character-building experiences and challenges.  It’s never too late to take an inventory of your life and start making changes.  If that seems overwhelming, pick one thing and work on it for seven weeks.  And then rest.