Ashley | Life Inspired: Finding Joy & Love on the Other Side of Fear

Oh Ashley, you beautiful soul! This woman is not only an amazing woman, but a wife, mother, a working professional and a musician. I’m so happy to have met her and that she chose to take part in this project.

You can learn more about this portrait project, called Life Inspired, HERE! And as always, if you know someone who’d be perfect (yourself included), please contact me today!

Without further ado, Ashely…

When did you realize that your life was being held back by fear or self-doubt. and what kept you from moving forward?

I realized that my life was being held back by fear and self-doubt several years ago, but I didn’t allow myself to acknowledge and accept it until about 2 and a half years ago. I was unable to move forward because I would not allow myself to deal with my inner “junk”. Instead, I allowed busyness to consume my life and shut down my emotions. My mindset was, “If I don’t feel anything, and I keep myself distracted, nothing is wrong. If I don’t allow anyone to get close to me, I won’t get hurt, and they won’t see how awful I am.” I was in a very dark place and convinced myself that this was my lot in life.  I was very wrong. 

What triggered you to no longer live a life of fear or self-doubt?                  

I was absolutely miserable.  My marriage was failing.  I felt like I was failing my daughter. I was trying to “Lone Ranger” my way through life and pushed everyone I cared about away. I was extremely depressed, and I was having panic attacks several times a day.  All of this was manifesting as anger toward the people that I loved the most in my life. My daughter, who was 2 at the time, was acting out at school.  One day, I had a panic attack in the grocery store while she was with me. I was so angry with myself about it. Over the next couple of days, the realization that she was growing up quickly and that I wasn’t the type of mother I wanted to be really hit me hard. I realized how much I was hurting her and my husband by not being around because I was always working and being so angry. I finally got honest with myself and decided to make a change.

What did you have to let go of in order to take the leap to move forward?               

I had to let go of the “junk” I was carrying around from my past. The junk was familiar.  I knew how to survive while carrying that around. If I really wanted to live, I had to let it go.  I also had to let go of my pride and admit that I couldn’t go through life alone. I had to let go of my perfectionistic expectations of myself and everyone else in my life. I had to let go of the beliefs that I didn’t deserve a better life, that I was too screwed up, that I was unlovable, and that I had nothing to offer anyone. Most significantly, I had to let go of what I allowed to define me and the fear of not knowing who I was under the crap.  I had to stop running, get honest with myself, and be vulnerable. It was terrifying, but it was worth it.

 What did you find on the other side of fear that made it worth it?

Joy and love. I now have 2 children and being able to laugh with them and really engage with them fills my heart with so much joy. Feeling and experiencing love from them, from my husband, and from others in my life has been life-changing. I discovered that I am worthy of love and deserve to be happy.  I found that I am defined only by the things that I allow to define me, and my worth is determined only by what I allow to determine it.  I found that when I give into fear, I accept limiting beliefs like “I can’t handle it”, “it’s too overwhelming”, I’m not strong enough to do this”, etc. as truth. However, if I just jump in, despite being afraid, it still incredibly painful and difficult, but it is not defeating like fear. I can handle it, and I am strong enough to deal. I’ve found that I am a good person, and I am learning to love myself.  My most profound discovery is that I can choose who I want to be, and my pain has a purpose. Fear and self-doubt prevented me from seeing that. Lastly, I found that being vulnerable and owning my story is the most outrageous thing I can do.

What would you tell someone (or your former self) who still feels held back by fear or self-doubt?

 You deserve to move forward.  You are worth more than your fear and self-doubt are allowing you to see and believe.  You are strong enough to get through it, and you are important.  It is not selfish to work on yourself. In fact, it is as necessary as oxygen.  On the hard days, when you want to give up, find a reason-any reason-to keep going, and do 1 thing, no matter how small, to take care of yourself.  Surround yourself with people who will support you and build you up. Tell yourself every single day that you are worth it, that you deserve to be happy and whole, something that you are grateful for, and at least one positive thing about yourself, even if it feels like bullshit.  Fear and self-doubt are only as powerful as you decide to let them be. Being vulnerable is really hard, but it is absolutely necessary to get where you want to be.  In the words of Brene Brown, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” 

Is there anything else you would like to share?

Give yourself all the time you need to get through your junk.  The process of healing and self-discovery is a journey, not a destination.  Setbacks are inevitable and do not equate to failure. Progress is progress, no matter how slow it happens.  ““Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful lives, vulnerability is the path.”